Memories of....grief, grief managment and hope

[douglaslam]

I believe most of our members and visitors are born outside of China. I 'd like to share some of my memories of China in the early 50s.

China was very much a third world country when I was a little boy. Medical care was lacking and infant mortality was high. I remember seeing children of my age or younger had snot running down their noses, or pus oozing from the ears, or open sores on the scalps, or a combination of all three.( Perhaps the medicos amongst us could give the afflictions their correct names.)

Infant mortality was commonplace happening. It is normally dealt with by the family concerned expeditiously. I saw a neighbour simply took the lifeless body of an infant in the crook of his arm, wrapped in a straw mat or cloth, walked out the house and probably buried it on a hillside somewhere. There was no ceremony, no memorial or grave marking. The mother was left to sob and wail, and comforted by other women. But she soon learnt to pick up the pieces and carried on with life in struggle street.

By contrast, I often read of people nowadays could not let go of a stillborn child in a stoic manner as our women are capable of. They take pictures of and bath the lifeless child. In one case, the cadaver was allowed to be taken home, refrigerated, and taken out each day for a week, to bath and dress as if it was still alive. It is bizarre; it is macabre!

Is it a cultural thing that our women have greater intestinal fortitude to dealt with life,death, and grief? The psychologist amongst us could perhaps enlighten me on this.

In China or on TV when I see the little children with their round faces, boys with short cropped hair, in colourful padded jackets, playing in the schoolyard, I feel happy. They look healthy, they are in school, a picture very different from what I remember back in the 50s. I am lost for words to express my elation and hope for the future of my home country.

[laohuaqiao]

On a lighter note, because infant mortality was high, older women would nickname their grandchildren my "little doggie" or my "little calf", hoping to fool the gods who might want to take their children away.

[Henry]

I remember my mother would call my infant brother "neuw" (girl) - I guess she want to fool the Gods into thinking her baby was only a female child so they would not try to take her child away

[Woodson]

Doug, in the villages sanitary and ignorance of health care were major contributing factors to the open sores. The hot humid weather doesn't helped either.

The only motorized vehicles were the buses on the highway. They were the hand crank variety. At the time I had no idea what and why. There was nobody to ask.

People then were free to have as many children as they wished. Selling and buying babies, I wouldn't say legal, was not uncommon. I was aware that a particular uncle of mine sold a couple his kids. At the time I was no older than 3 or 4 so it was done openly.

I think they accepted infant mortality as a fact of life and as you said learnt to carry on. Today because of better medical care and a government limit on birth life takes on a different meaning. We treasure more when we have less.

Henry, I remembered older women in the village addressed every kid as "neuw". At first I kept correcting them that I'm a "doi" not a "neuw". It was a losing battle and even then I knew when to give up. haha.

May be just in my village but people never said it was a kid's birthday but his or her cow poop day.

[douglaslam]

To laohuaqiao, Woodson and Henry.
It certainly was the custom then to call the children by any other name but the given names when they were small. Sometimes this stuck for good. Another rationale is that doggie and "oxy" are tough beasts, sickness and ailment don't bother them.
Very few girls were given a name. My paternal grandmother was simply no. 2. I don't think it is just to do with less emphasis placed on a female, it is to do with the general high illiteracy rate. It is harder to pick a name for a girl than a boy. Or a girl's name carrys a connotation that it hearlds the arrival of a bay brother next time round.
How I love the simplicity and earthiness of our past.

Douglas

[helen]

In my research I have come across a couple of cases where the boys were called a girl's name. They both came out on boats to NZ. One died quite early and only when the death certificate was requested did his older sisters know he was a boy. The birth certificate from HK said the child was a girl. In the other case the "boy" survived by was mentally scarred for life - living a hermit's life.

[helen]

My Mother in law told of babies being put in trees at night time. If they survived the night they were brought indoors for the day. Then out again at night if they were still poorly.