Lighter side of Canada ...

[David Wong]

The Ant and the Grasshopper [/i]

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE CANADIAN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome".

MP Libby Davies rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home.

The ant moves to the US , and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Justice Gomery is appointed to head yet another commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000 + GST.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the National Post blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow-op and terrorize the community.

The End.

[Henry]

Hilarious !

[David Wong]

Ottawa's House of Parliament was faced with a unique problem. A number of women MPs were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of greasy lip prints.

Finally the Speaker of the House decided that something had to be done. She called several of the women to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the old gals watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

[David Wong]

A young couple invited their Church pastor over for a Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat!" the little boy replied.

"Goat???" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that young fella ?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, "Might as well have the old goat over for dinner today."

[Henry]

Canadian Ducks !

A Native Indian went hunting one day in Alberta and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by a racist game warden who didn't like Native
Indians.

The game warden ordered the Indian to show his hunting license, and the
Indian pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license. The game warden
looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks,
sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Alberta. This is a
Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin' license, boy?"

The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Saskatchewan Hunting
license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Saskatchewan
duck.
This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting
license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from
British Columbia You got a British Columbia huntin' license?"

Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a British
Columbia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at

the Indian, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You
tell me, you're the expert!"

[David Wong]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in town with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man flipped out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[Woodson]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low .

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Alberta, Newfoundland, Saskatchewan, and B.C. Our dipsticks are located in Ottawa

[philiptancl]

I recently received the following in my email on Canada:

A lady Canadian liberarian wrote a lot of letters to her government,
complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
M.Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg,
15 NT, 101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ONK1A 0K2Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern for the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.

[David Wong]

A little boy wanted $100.00
very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100.00.

When Canada Post received
the letter to "God , CANADA", they
decided to send it to the Prime Minister

The Prime Minister was so amused
that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The Prime Minister thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
OTTAWA, CAN... and those friggen not a very nice persons
deducted $95.00 in taxes.